How To Be A Woman
by CretianStar
Summary: Ginny is meant to be security detail for McLaggen, he drives her so mad she resorts to desperate measures. T Swears and some inappropriateness. Title borrowed from Caitlin Moran's incredibly funny book.


A/N: So this is a rewrite of the original story from August 2015. I was at work one day, this popped into my head and I realised how unhappy I was with this story. At the time it had been a response to a piece of chauvinism I had dealt with and I realised that's not what fanfiction is for, so TWO YEARS later I edited it into something that's hopefully a little better.

Still definitely AU.

Enjoy!

* * *

Ginny had always thought she was a patient woman. She had waited a **long** time for Harry and she had grown up with a multitude of brothers that often tested her sanity. But her current task required a different level of patience. It was a level Ginny did not have.

Babysitting Cormac McLaggen could be a viable route for Ginny ending up in Azkaban for murder because the arrogant man was getting on every single one of her nerves.

Harry, ever the kind and doting husband had listened to her rave about McLaggen for as long as necessary. He would sooth his wife's temper with massages, cuddles and crazy hot sex in some hope of allaying her frazzled nerves. But every day she came home with a new horror story about the Minister of International Relations.

"Bloody bastard quizzed me on how strong Hermione and Ron's relationship is!" She railed one night. Harry elected not to pass on this anecdote to his best friend.

"The pervert keeps dropping things expecting me to pick them up! I knew today's outfit was the wrong outfit for working with him! I told him I'm not a nanny, I'm his security Auror!" Ginny screamed the next night, even Harry felt his ire spike at the thought of the leer McLaggen would have given his wife.

The day after that, Ginny had just escorted McLaggen from a press conference back to his office, she was on her way out when he spoke up _._

"You know Ginny…" McLaggen's conversational tone usually meant there was a barbed remark dressed as 'banter' coming her way and so Ginny mentally steeled herself. "You're rather covered up today, what happened, did the girls get a little too out of control?" He smirked as Ginny gripped her wand tighter before firmly holstering it and she left without a word.

Marrying Harry and being besties with Hermione had introduced Ginny to a range of muggle things, without her father's obsession as to how they worked. Like books, Ginny discovered a delight in reading muggle books just because of how different they were and her current choice was 'How to be a Woman'. When she was on a detail usually she thought it was unprofessional to be reading while on duty, but she had decided that it might be an effective way to drown out McLaggen's whines. Only the little git honed in on the title.

"Come on Ginny, you must be woman enough, you don't need to learn. I mean you've got a decent pair of tits, nice hips, an arse that could take a good slap and you're moody enough. What else is there to being a woman?" He'd cackled, unaware that she was reaching for her wand, her anger fighting with her conscience. It was the arrival of Shacklebolt that stopped her hexing his bollocks to the wall.

However the good minister wasn't really there long enough and as soon as he left, Cormax returned to the conversation about her book.

"Granted, you grew up with that multitude of brothers so you are a bit mannish, then there's your knowledge, definitely a man's mind and that mean bat bogey hex you got, well I don't know how many blokes could perform it better, except maybe me of course."

Ginny left.

When she came back, he held his hands up with a smirk and claimed "It was just a joke! Merlin Ginny you need to lighten up."

After five days of dealing with him Ginny was at her wits end, which is how she and Hermione came to be drinking at a muggle pub in London waiting for Luna to arrive. Hermione was just as angry as Ginny when she recounted her latest tale and when Luna arrived, each of the women were appalled at his behaviour.

"He must have a Chauvnabean rammed inside his brain." Luna frowned. "There's probably a procedure for it, maybe I could look it up. Or maybe it's a Misogyfly that's laid eggs in his head."

Ginny had to laugh, Luna's approach may be entirely serious but it released some of the tension that had been building for the last week.

"Oh Gin, you haven't got long left, bear the next few days and he is gone from your life. You'll never accept his contract again and the next time we see him at a Ball or a party or something we'll slip salt into his wine or something." Hermione grinned and Ginny chuckled again.

"That sounds bloody wonderful. Girls' tell me your lives, distract me from the woe that is McLaggen."

~G.W~

When it came to the final day of her protection duties, Ginny had been wearing a permanently fixed smile matched with a neurotic look in her eye that had made George run from the dining room at the family dinner on Sunday.

McLaggen had just arrived in his office, ready for another day of conferences with Iceland, Bulgaria and Russia with a coffee in his hand.

"Don't worry sweetcheeks I didn't want you to bother getting my coffee this morning." Cormac winked. "Besides that Lovegood nut was at the machine and handed me hers, mmm tastes of hazelnut."

Ginny smothered a comment about attacking her friends and instead opened the door, while he was mid mouthful of biscuits to allow the Icelandic minister into his office. Petty revenge felt so nice and as it was her last day, Ginny decided to swim through the day feeling somewhat elated that she hadn't murdered the Minister for International Relations, even if there was a strong chance that the British Ministry for Magic would isolate itself with _him_ as their Foreign Minister.

That night Gin kicked her off her shoes, rubbed her feet and cuddled up to Harry who was equally as thankful that the two weeks of hell were over and it was some other poor saps turn to deal with the rotter. Hopefully they wouldn't have to deal with McLaggen for quite some time.

That wish went unheeded as 24 hours later he was banging at their front door.

"Open the damn door!" The voice was not recognisable but Harry opened the door bemused anyway.

"McLaggen?" He yawned, having almost fallen asleep on the sofa. "It's ten in the evening!" He squinted at the grandfather clock Molly and Arthur had given them for their wedding. The latest model showed not only the family's places but the time as well.

"Potter you've got to help me." The last word came out as a falsetto. "I had to take work off today something's happening!" He squeaked again and Harry bit back a laugh. Ginny strolled in from the bathroom where she'd been getting ready for bed but she couldn't hold back her laugh at the noise.

"What the hell is wrong McLaggen?" She growled. "I'm not your security guard anymore, buzz off to them."

"You _have_ to help." His voice was no longer breaking; it was undeniably feminine. "I woke with these." He swiftly undone his robes and now Harry could definitely not hold back his laughter. There was an unmistakeable woman's body attached to Cormac's head.

"What…" Ginny was dumbfounded, but the madness of the situation made her bite her lip.

"This is not my body and it hurts!" Cormac growled.

"Hurts? Cormac if you've been poisoned you have to go to St Mungos. I'm not a mediwitch." Ginny raised her eyebrow to state the obvious.

"You think I've been poisioned?!" He yelped and Ginny sighed. "I can't go to St Mungos, the press would have a field day with this!" He gestured at his female form and Ginny groaned.

"This is not my problem McLaggen!" Ginny snapped.

"You have to help me Potter, you were my last security detail, if I've been poisoned this is on you!" He hissed.

"Un-bloody-likely. It's not my fault you're a complete tosser, any number of people could have hexed, potioned or cursed you with a gender swap. This is nothing to do with me." She growled and Cormac took a step back, recalling just how good Ginevra Potter was with her wand.

"What am I going to do?!" He hissed. " _This_ happened in the middle of dinner with Lavender Brown, you know that hottie from Witch Weekly? She was going to do a four page spread on me!"

"Well you're going to have to delay it aren't you." Ginny stated and Cormac glared at her. Harry came back from the lounge with Hermione behind him.

"Get your arse in here McLaggen, I haven't got all night for your dramas." Harry opened the door wider and ignored Ginny's protest. "I've flooed Hermione in because she is medically trained so at least we can sort out if you've been poisoned or not."

"Clearly I've been poisoned!" Cormac was outraged.

"Shut up." Hermione interrupted him. "The spells require your silence to work." Ginny knew that was a lie but she appreciated Hermione's forethought.

Fifteen minutes later Hermione said it looked like a potion work, a pinprick test confirmed that it was a Churnmilk Nut potion and that he would be back to his male self in around a week.

"A week!?" He screeched and the other three winced at the decibel level. "I can't stay this way a week, I have too many important meetings!" He hissed but Hermione shrugged.

"Nothing much I can do really. You should also know, judging from the spells you're going to menstruate this week." She said matter-of-fact and all three were stunned when Cormac fainted in the middle of the living room.

"He's going to make a crap woman." Ginny huffed as they hauled him onto the sofa and slowly brought him round.

"Bloody useless." Harry agreed.

"Harry, you go to bed, you have a big conference tomorrow, Gin and I can deal with Cormac." Hermione sighed at the prostrate figure and Harry glanced quickly at his wife who nodded before disappearing to their bedroom.

When Cormac came round, the two women patiently explained everything he had missed out on while being a bit of a pig at school, and how much he might suffer.

"You're going to need a hot water bottle because it's better than any heating spell, quick _Aufero Distentio_ oh and pads. Here." Ginny ran from the room, back to the bathroom and zipped back with a pink box and some clothes. "You're gonna need these. I think tampons are a bit beyond you." She couldn't quite keep the smirk off her face.

"You're going to just let me suffer?" He glared up at the two women who were doing quite well to hide their smiles.

"God Cormac it's just a period, it could be worse!" Ginny huffed and between both Hermione and Ginny took Cormac back to his in side-along apparition. When they touched back down at Ginny's the laughter overtook them, until fifteen minutes later they were collapsed on the floor occasionally snorting.

"How do you think it happened?" Hermione wiped away her tears and started to stand.

"I'm not sure, at least it will wear off in a week or so." Ginny shrugged. "He'll come back here anyway, I can't believe he trusts me over anyone else."

"See you are a nice person." Hermione teased and received one of Ginny's sharp elbows in her side. "Sort of. Keep me updated on his condition, I might have to take him to Mungos but we'll see." She yawned.

"Go home Mione. Love you." She kissed her bestie on the cheek and watched her disappear through the floo. Staring thoughtfully at the last of the emerald flames, Ginny bit her bottom lip, aware that there was something tickling the edges of her thoughts, she couldn't quite catch it though – she was sure she had an answer for Cormac's condition.

~C.M~

Cormac was having a terrible week. He had flooed Ginny asking for more supplies of the pad things and grudgingly she had arranged for more boxes to be sent to him, alongside bars of Honeydukes chocolate and a hot water bottle. He hadn't quite got the period thing under control but with Ginny's care parcel, he was working on it. She had also been kind enough to send him two pairs of jeans and a few checked shirts and tank tops, which was thoughtful of the red-head and more than McLaggen had really expected.

What he hadn't expected was for his facial features to have feminised when he woke up the next morning and as a result, work was out of the question, but after three days being stuck inside his flat he was bored and craving the outside world. Lunch wouldn't hurt right, if he stayed in in the muggle London that he occasionally passed through.

"You alright love?" Someone had called from a car as he passed through one street. Another van honked at him. What had Ginny lent him that was so seductive? A pair of black skinny jeans that he'd had to slightly wrestle on, and a checked shirt that he'd buttoned up leaving the top two undone. He'd forgone a bra because he didn't own one but also because he knew how to take them off a woman, not put one on.

"You alright baby, you want me to warm up those nips for you?" A man built like a brick outhouse had hollered at Cormac through the gate and he turned to glare at the man who held his hands up with a laugh. "Honestly babe, you on your period or something! Just a joke." The bear of a man turned to walk away and Cormac carried on, desperately searching for a coffee shop or something.

"Good morning Miss, can I take your order?" The barista chirruped from behind the counter and Cormac muttered out his order. "Do you want whipped cream on that, with cocoa powder?" The girl asked wide-eyed.

"No I want a damn coffee."

"Sorry ma'am." The woman turned away but Cormac heard an unmistakeable "moody bitch" muttered under the barista's breath.

Cormac had never wanted to hide so much in his life. When he sat at his table, because he'd stupidly ordered in, the guy next to him leaned over and smiled.

"Hey beautiful, do you have the time?"

"No I don't."

"What not even a phone?" He asked, smile widening.

"Does this look like the sort of outfit that can fit a phone in it?!" Cormac had wanted to snap, spreading his arms, but he realised all too late he gave the stranger a good view of his freed breasts, cleavage nicely visible in the open shirt and the stranger was drinking it all in.

"I doubt you can fit much more in that shirt love." The man grinned and went to move closer when Cormac narrowed his stare.

"Sit at my table and I will break your fucking fingers do you hear that you creep?" He hissed and the man just glared back at her.

"You're probably a fucking lesbian anyway." He snapped and turned back to his own table.

Cormac needed to leave and he needed to leave now. He all but ran from the shop, got to a wizard safety point and apparated to Ginny; the only person who knew what a shit time he was having.

She was at home, thankfully.

"Cormac?" She seemed unimpressed to see him at her doorstep.

"Please, you gotta let me in. I've had the worst day, men kept commenting on my tits, one told me I was a lesbian because I didn't want his attentions and then another said I was on my period?! How did he know!" He babbled, "How do you girls do it, dealing with creeps…"

"Creeps like you, you mean?" She leant on her doorjamb.

"Creeps like me. I didn't realise it was so bad." He muttered and Ginny let him in, promising him tea. As they stood in her kitchen with Cormac making the tea and Ginny finding the biscuits Cormac recounted his horror of a lunch time and Ginny felt mildly sympathetic for the person before her. He also apologised for his behaviour which Ginny graciously accepted.

"It was all so shallow, like the guy at the coffee place just invading my personal space." Cormac shuddered.

"That's about right. But if this has taught you anything, it's going to be treating your female co-workers better right?" Ginny prompted and Cormac nodded fervently.

"I have a new assistant starting next week and I'm going to be so nice to her." He promised and Ginny smiled slightly.

"It's been what like three days?" Ginny asked and Cormac nodded, "So you've got a little time left to go, go home. Watch Netflix and it should be over by like Saturday morning right?"

"Thank you Ginny." Cormac stood and headed to the fireplace. "Do you have that book, How to Be a Woman?"

"Not on me."

"Oh. Well never mind. Thank you, for helping me, even after I was an absolute twat to you." He gestured to his very female form.

~C.M~

When Saturday morning came around, Cormac shut his eyes tightly and prayed to Merlin that he was back to being male. Feeling his face, he couldn't feel any stubble which was not a good sign, but as his hands tentatively crept lower there was a distinct absence of breast which made him sigh in relief. Leaping out of bed he examined his naked form in the full length mirror with a happy smile. There was mini Cormac nestled happily between his legs and he couldn't help but dance down to the kitchen.

On Monday morning as he waltzed back into his office, saying hello to everyone and genuinely asking Marie from accounts her weekend was, he was stopped short by the sight of a parcel on his desk.

' _From one woman to another.'_ The inscription on the tag read and when he tore off the brown paper, How to Be a Woman fell out onto his desk and he smiled. Flicking open the first few pages, he read in a mixture of alarm and curiosity, 'Chapter 1: I Start Bleeding'.

~L.L~

Luna smiled quite happily as she lightly shook the hazelnuts in the jar on one of her shelves. Their slightly greenish tinge told everyone they were not quite ready for eating yet, but Luna, in her mad quest through quaint English villages had found one fae who told her of a side effect to grounding unripe hazelnuts. Churnmilk Peg, who the potion was named for, had happily informed the blonde that hazelnuts if consumed too early in a ground form had the effect of feminising the eater.

Tapping the jar top with one finger Luna smiled, and she hoped Ginny had had a thoroughly enjoyable week, even if Cormac hadn't.


End file.
